Wonder

I think a lot about all the people I could have been. The Wendy’s that might have existed, the versions of me that could have been if I had made different choices, if I had pursued different things. It doesn’t make me sad to think about all the other versions of me that didn’t make it, that didn’t appear in this lifetime. 

Instead I feel wonder. Intense, wonderful, magnificent wonder that humanity has the capacity to grow, to change, to shift their perspectives and thinking. 

I sit in awe, in wonder, to think that there could have been a version of Wendy who pursued fitness as a full-time career. I could be teaching multiple classes a week, a personal trainer, a very in-person, on person.

I wonder what it would be like to have been the Wendy who quits her 9-5 to do something easier on my brain. The Wendy who pursues waitressing full-time because she misses the moments of quiet in her brain that would come when bussing a table or driving home from a shift, physically wrung out, but emotionally and creatively ready to write.

I wonder about a Wendy who never hated her body or herself. A Wendy who was confident and secure. What would life have been like if I had never been at war with my body?

I wonder about a version of myself who has kids. A version of me that is a mom, who dotes, and packs lunches, and worries and worries and worries. A version of me who lives for a tiny human’s giggle and to hold my entire heart in my arms.

I wonder about the versions of me that would exist if I let myself dream sooner. If I let myselftry and do things that I wasn’t good at. I wonder who I would be if I hadn’t been striving for perfection all those years instead of peace.

What is also a magnificent wonder to me is that I still have the capacity to become all of, or none of these people. I can still pursue any of the above in one shape or form. I can be so many different versions of myself. I still have an entire future ahead of me with decisions, choices, and life to be lived. 

There are things that will still shape me, still change me. Things that will hurt me. Things that will make me feel alive. Things that will alter the core of me. 

What a wonder it is to exist, to live, and to know that there are so many forks in the road ahead, but that I get to traverse them, I get to double back if I want to. I get to live this wild, crazy life, and what a gift that is.