Manifest It

I believe in manifestation.

I have always been hesitant to admit it, afraid the world will look at me and frown, that a scowl would line their face and I would be judged, judged for believing one simple thing.

What is meant for me, will not miss me.

I spent many years trying to create happiness for myself by chasing the wrong things. I cannot count the number of times I chased happiness, waiting for it to appear on the other end of a diet or the belief that once XYZ weight was reached, I would find myself full of love and happiness.

That wasn’t the case.

I dedicated a large chunk of my 20s to worrying about finding my purpose and believing that had to be tied to my career. That if I had a big career, a good title, then I would be fulfilled and happy and worthy of joy.

That wasn’t the case.

I spent so much time searching for happiness, that I hid from the truths in my heart.

I always loved writing. Always. It makes my heart so full, so free, so joy-filled, and yet a regular refrain entered my mine whenever I thought about pursuing it. Who would want to read what you write? Who cares what you have to say? You aren’t good enough. You’ll never be good enough.

I always loved movement. Always. I like how it has the power to free me from my limiting thoughts and remind me of the power of my body. But for so long I told myself I couldn’t be athletic or fit or teach fitness because I wasn’t thin enough. I wasn’t strong enough. I wasn’t good enough.

I always loved connecting with others and being honest and open. But I never dared admit to a stranger that I didn’t like my body or hated myself. Instead, I hid away, making digs at myself and punishing myself, when all I wanted was to not feel alone. I thought hiding my pain would mean I could be happy one day.

My life was punctuated by the desire to be happy while hiding away the true desires of my heart. I often looked away from the things that gave me peace, because they didn’t fit into the mold of who I was told to be.

I was supposed to have a good job, and that would make me happy. I was supposed to be thin, and that would make me happy. I was supposed to be exceptional, and that would make me happy.

The story is long and winding and scary and tearful, but I don’t believe any of those things are the key to my happiness any longer.

Now I know that every time I follow the truths in my heart, I am moving closer to the life I know will make me happy. I am living a life filled with happiness, with my dreams ahead of me on the horizon.

So now I manifest those dreams. I want to be a published author. Specifically, one who makes enough as a writer that it can be my full-time job. I want to share my stories with the world, I want to touch people, and enable them to feel, to be seen within my words. 

To create that reality I try to write every day. I also talk about my desire to be an author. I don’t hide my truth, I don’t mince words, I say it loudly and passionately so that what’s meant for me, won’t miss me.

I teach fitness classes in a style that is all my own. I focus on the power of the body, and creating space to connect to yourself outside the noise of the world. I say words in my classes that evoke the true heart of who we are and what our body is for us, a beloved tool, not a definer of worth.

Every action, movement, modification, and word in those movements creates that reality for me, and hopefully for those moving with me. I also cherish every individual workout, my eyes glowing with respect and gratitude for a body that I spent so many years hating.

Finally, I manifest a world where we can all be at peace with who we are and the body we live in. I am open about my past eating disorder, my body image struggles, and my mental health. I speak the truth, I am authentic, and I create a safe space for people to look at themselves and find light where they once saw darkness or find security where they once found insecurity.

Every day is an act of manifestation. Every day is a choice to believe in myself, to believe in my dreams, to believe in the future I am carving out for myself. And I hope you take the time to do that too. To pause, to look at your deepest desires, and to truly believe, heart, mind, and body, that what is meant for you won’t miss you.